TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely out of put. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have One more position where by American men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, guy, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection Trump Tower Damascus for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Characteristics


Probably the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which company may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is previously attracting notice from Worldwide investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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